There has been much adulation around the Govan area of Glasgow in recent weeks due to the fact that a club referred to by their followers as “Rangers”, has finaly started to accumulated UEFA Co-efficient points.
The system, which allocated points to each member nation based on their clubs performances in europe, determines how many places each country will get each season in european competition.
Dicky Wright, a 52 year old fan who claimed to have supported the club all his life, despite it only existing for 6 of those 52 years, states in a misinformed tweet “We are earning the lion-share of the co-efficient points for Scotland this year, we are ra peepul! #scotlandsgallantfew”.
Wright conveniently ignored tweets from fans of other clubs, advising that the co-efficient is based over performances over 5 seasons, all of which his club were not eligible for.
Wright responded by calling the tweeters “bead rattlers”, stating that his club has existed since 1872, despite legal rulings and liquidations to the contrary.
Wee James Abernethy of Castlemilk was hit with a double blow this morning when his mother explained that there was more chance of his womanising father returning to their two bed tenement dwelling than Marvin Compper returning to Celtic.
Having recently made his Holy Communion, James had hoped to use his money from the aforementioned occasion to have Compper’s name and number on the back of the latest Celtic away jersey. However, much like the Eucharist he had received two months previously, his mother’s response left a poor taste in his mouth.
Abernethy’s dreams were shattered when asking his emotionally damaged mother to place the order online for the fabled Compper’s replica jersey.
“Away tae fuck,” she replied. “Compper’s a fucking myth like your philandering shite of a faither” she yelled, as she hopped off her latest love interest’s boaby.
Former Rangers, Celtic and Sevco striker – and all-round badge-kisser – Kenny Miller has come under fire for claiming to know Celtic’s game plan “inside out”, before his Livingston side succumbed to a result that would suggest otherwise.
Following the defeat, Livingston fans reportedly asked questions such as:
“Can we realistically expect to avoid relegation this season?”
“When will the manager have a word with Kenny Miller?”
“Why is our stadium name the Tony Macaroni Arena?
Despite giving the impression that he knows what goes on in Brendan Rodgers’ head, Miller’s telepathic capabilities appear to require some fine-tuning. In much the same way as you might claim to know what someone is thinking – in the hope that that moment’s random thought would prove true – Miller’s foray into the psychological warfare of football management seemed to lack any substance, or potatoes.
It is unknown however, whether he had no knowledge of the opposition game plan or whether, in fact, he did and decided not to act on it as a sort of complex reverse psychology trick that would make very little sense at all to the average person.
This led some supporters to speculate whether they had witnessed the work of genius, while others argued that his behaviour told them what was already known: that we all know Kenny Miller’s game plan “inside out”.
A 32-year-old plumber from Anniesland is causing confusion amongst many of his friends, by insisting that he will wear a heavy winter coat to Celtic’s opening day fixture with Livingstone as he wants to “look ra part”.
Jason O’Shaugnessy allegedly paid £699.99 on a sleek Canada Goose number in black, initially to look like a football casual. Unfortunately for him, this was on tick via Capital One, and Mr O’Shaughnessy is struggling to keep up with the repayments.
Subsequently, Jason rarely takes it off, thinking that if he sees other “casuals”, he will feel emasculated if they spot him wearing normal, summer clothes – such as a t-shirt.
This sense of fragile masculinity was further compounded by both his acknowledgment of the hardman fashion scene and his perception of Stone Island as its holy grail – which has previously been modelled by the likes of big Tam and some guy known simply as “Hammer”. Jason stated: “hing is right, am goanty get ma wear oot ae it – once this wan’s paid aff, I’m goanty go fur a wee bit a Stoney”.
Despite predicted 20 degree heat in Glasgow this weekend, Jason admits that he will run the risk of over heating and potentially fainting by wearing the coat, usually designed for more frigid conditions, such as those experienced by geese in Canada. In winter.
John McLuckie, close friend if Jason, said it was time he “grew up and stopped acting the walloper”, whilst his concerned mother, Brenda, with whom he still lives, hopes he “cuts his cloth accordingly and finds a nice bird”.
Brendan Rodgers has expressed his extreme satisfaction with how the last two transfer windows have gone, citing his “not at all strained” relationship with Peter Lawwell as one of the main reasons to see out his contract.
After an exciting January window, which seen the defensive “additions” of Marvin Compper and Jack Hendry, the summer window has seen Brendan strengthen with the signing of a player he already had on loan.
“But you are forgetting the £10m signing of a hotel and the £4m we spent strengthening the squad by buying a trippy light show, which will enhance the matchday experience of any fan who takes an eccie about 4:45” stated Rodgers.
“I mean, both additions will really help me to reach the group stages of the UCL and get up to £30m in prize money, which inevitably will be spent on something superfluous, such as a Dre Beats surround sound system or padded seats in the Jock Stein stand, so our fans can be super comfortable whilst watching Kylian Mbappe and the like stroll past whichever underachieving Man City youth player I manage to get in” said Rodgers, in a tone which seemed like barbed sarcasm and despair.
A Celtic supporter has lamented criticisms of the defence from fellow supporters following last night’s result in Norway. The argument comes amidst calls for investment at the back which, in their view, is a rather extreme proposition.
The man in question – who is a seasoned supporter and will not hesitate to tell you so – appeared to be visibly angered by these concerns, citing last night’s clean sheet as evidence of our defensive capabilities.
“The result is all that matters” he said assertively, before discussing his experience of the dark days to such an extent that the sense of ignorance this implied had some supporters questioning just how they had the audacity to hold an opinion of their own.
Despite conceding the most goals of any team in last year’s group stage, with what was essentially the same defence, the man maintained that a defensive signing wasn’t necessary and that supporters should stop criticising the team and “get behind the Bhoys”, or something fairly reasonable like that. This was met with a variety of responses that frequently involved Jack Hendry.
Marvin Compper was approached but could not be reached for further comment, as his whereabouts in this dimension is currently unknown.